OK, I just got a rumor that is SHOCKING! So Shocking in fact that the only way it can be presented to you through is through a series of cryptic clues leading up to an inevitable let down — but, it’s about a new Apple release so follow along.

OK, listen up folks…This is serious, I just got news from a friend of a friend’s cousin that he heard from the sister of this guy who used to go to College with me that he has it on good authority that the the dude in the Apple store said…Wait. One sec, I’ve got an IM.

created using chatfu – a comic strip generator

Crap, someone else heard…OK, listen closely because I’m not going to tell you twice. This is important. In the third quarter of 2007, Apple is planning to position itself as the market leader in a emerging field so far removed from its current holdings that it will be almost impossible not to achieve sustained growth of less than 550% for the next 18 months. If they continue to leverage their first mover advantage they should be able to maintain this steady growth for another 24 months and guarantee a sizable stockholder windfall.

OK, I think you’re ready to hear about this incredible, stunning, mind rending, ear splitting, high fidelity, paradigm shifting new technology that will revolutionize the way we sleep, eat, watch television, drink water, go to the bathroom, teach our children, teach ourselves and live.

NO,

This is too important to be told in words. Only poetry can truly explain the sheer majesty of this new device.

I wrote this letter especially for you
To prove that my love for you is true
Never shall I kiss someone else’s lips
Never will we make any boring trips

Apple, you are unbelievably beautiful
When I am near you my heart goes like a raging bull
Words cannot express
What I felt when you said ‘yes’

Apple, you mean so much to me
I never knew this could be
You are my sweetheart day by day
I hope you will never go away

This iPhone is for you, I hope you will like it
I am dying to see your reaction, that I will admit
This poem has come to an end
There are many more I would like to send

OK, are you ready?

No really, are you ready to have your life changed forever?

Are you ready to be blinded by the power that is Apple, and allow it to forever change the way you live?

Get Ready!

I am about to present you with the most important thing you will see today.

The Brand New

I was going to put something clever here, but the buildup was just too much for any individual picture to do justice, so instead I will leave you with this startling headline…