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I wanted to start this week by giving you a few good reasons to work at Google. Now, this isn’t to say that there aren’t a lot of fine companies out there offering piles of benefits, but sometimes you just have to celebrate the extraordinary ones and believe me Google is one of them. Lets start by giving you a rundown of Google’s current offerings.

A Cut Above

Relaxation

Google offers its employees free massages from on staff masseuses.

Food

Google offers free food services from gourmet chefs every day. Got the munchies? Google also offers free snacks for employees between meals.

On-site Doctor

At Google headquarters in Mountain View, California you have the convenience of seeing a doctor on-site.

Never leave the Compound

At Google headquarters in Mountain View, there’s on-site oil change, car wash, dry cleaning, massage therapy, gym, hair stylist, fitness classes and bike repair.

Tuition Reimbursement

That’s right, get a B and above and Google will pay up to $8,000 a year to send you to college (presuming you are employed by them).

Web 2.0 Upgrade

Now call me greedy, but I think there are still a few things that the good people over at Mountain View could do to improve employee morale. Here is a short list.

Dunk An Executive Day

Strangely, I wouldn’t doubt if they already have this but if they don’t they should really look into it. There is nothing quite like the idea of being able to line up Google’s corporate heads once a month and dunk them into the fluid of your choice, County Fair style.

Adopt A Server Program

Google goes through servers faster than most people go through Boxers. What happens to this old hardware when it is too old to be of any use to the Googleplex? Don’t put your poor old boxes out to pasture, give them to employees! What better way to show you care than offering each employee access to his very own sever farm. It would take the idea of “personal projects” to brand new heights.

Neuralizer

Those guys from MIB had them, and I’m pretty sure they are working on something like it in the MIT media lab, Google should pick them up.

Cloning Services

Google hires some of the smartest people on the planet, some of whom are highly specialized. Why not take some of the cash they have on hand and dive into human cloning. That way, in about 18 years time, they will have a fresh crop of brilliant interns to make their new hires lives a bit easier.

Index Me

Now, if you really want to ensure employee morale — don’t make them come into work! Google already has the ability to digitize information and index it coherently, why not turn this technology inward and start indexing their best talent. With a little tweeking, you should have the smartest neural net in the world, ready to subjugate mankind in under a decade.

In all seriousness though, Google seems like it would be a fine place to work. It’s no wonder that they are singlehandedly taking all of the best programming talent in he world. Good job Google, you’ve found the formula — put employees first and the rest will follow.