Anatomy Of A Coffee Stain

By Ophelia Chong August 29th, 2008
Under: Columnists

The day is over and what do you have to show for it? Nothing but a coffee stain on your desk.

Since I am well versed in the Art of Reading Coffee Stains, I will tell you about your day. The first reading is free, after that it’s $5 and I will throw in a love spell or an evil eye; your choice.

So get comfy. I see…starting counter clockwise…hey, we are going back in time, that’s why it’s counter clockwise. So shush.

WoW says that you are on level 12, when you know you are level 36.
Your PR company just sent an email written entirely in Lolzcat to all your clients.
You’ve eaten half the sandwich and just noticed that the other half has half a spider.
Google search on your name comes up with another guy with the same name that is incarcerated for 419 fraud.
eHarmony gave you your money back and asked you not to fill out another quiz ever again.
iPhone just announced a price drop.
Your client just saw a flash site and asks how hard is it to make his site “move like that?”
You’ve been asked for the umpteenth time to Digg your friend’s blog about his break-up.
IE announced that they aren’t dead yet.
Jason Calacanis isn’t following you on Twitter . . .

. . . even though he has Auto-Follow.

Ophelia Chong is an artist out of Los Feliz, you can find some of her wonderful work at Flickr.

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Judy C

Ophelia - you are spot on for me - what do you charge for tea readings?

eHarmony won't even give me the option to take the quiz - so much for the 6th time's the charm!

ophelia_chong

I have friends who have been told by eHarmony "that there are no matches for you now or ever"....

I do tea readings as well, send me your stain. Send me any stain and i will do a personal funny reading.:O) opheliac at mac dot com

Offer open to anyone with a stain they need read.

Emily Wong

Hi Ophelia,

Oh, dear, you're sure to get interesting photos with your "send me any stain" offer. Stains are far more interesting than tea leaves or coffee grounds. Tasseography is so played out.

Hmm, in my trash, there's remanents of a poppy seed bagel, paper scraps, and faded PMS chips...

ophelia_chong

and don't forget the bunny rabbit lint and some old cute kitten pics. :O)

Emily Wong

Alright you got me. I totally have photos of cute animals and Lolcats.

ophelia_chong

and your coffee stain would say: Finally got to the last page on Google Search for "kittens"

Derrick

What about Gatorade readings? I don't drink coffee. But I would if it meant that Jason Calacanis would follow me on Twitter. And I mean *really* followed me.

ophelia_chong

gatorade i can do too, except for the clear flavor. I especially like the orange one, that leaves a mighty fine stain.

as for Jason Calacanis, heh. can't help you there. I am just a little cog on a big machine.

Rachel

Next up - archeological digs of a freelancers garbage can........

ophelia_chong

I see powerbar wrappers, floss, starbucks cups, cheetos and ten offers for low interest credit cards.

Jay Cuthrell

I see still shrink wrapped DVDs of "20 Minute Abs", hundreds of varied length USB cables, post-it notes with repeating text, unopened tins of ill chosen Altoids "Watermelon Bacon Mint", and glued Atlas Shrugged novel converted bookends.

ophelia_chong

I see "AOL offering one month free" cds, a Friendster fanny pack, half used chapstick with the etoy logo, a zip disk, a job application to the now closed Starbucks down the street, a 2004 astrology report on tape, and half eaten Egg McMuffin from last week.

ophelia_chong

Watermelon Bacon MInt...have you tried the new Carrot Cherry Carob Tic Tac with antioxident power boost?

Jay Cuthrell

Carob is not the chocolate we are looking for. The Tic Tac is a lie!

ophelia_chong

okay, how about the new Trident flavor?
Pork Rind with a hint of Corduroy.

Jay Cuthrell

I'd buy it in the economy pack. Mmm Mmm good. It's the taste of the Ivy League and the ACC in one lip smakin' combo to go!

Alberto Forero

I'm cleaning all my coffee stains so that you can't peer into my soul with laser-like accuracy! Thanks for reading coffee stains-I'm sick of hearing about tea leaves.

ophelia_chong

Scary isn't it? Tea leaves are for the corner Psychic, that's kid stuff.
:O)

Tracy

Who knew the accuracy in a coffee stain, wonder what the one the hood of my car has hidden within its borders? How about Popsicle drippings? Or mustard drippings from out of my sandwich onto my notebook?

ms. alynn

So true, Ophelia - between spider sandwiches and multiple eHarmony rejections alone, my Lexapro intake has quadrupled. Not sure what adding personal stain analysis to the mix will do to my world... ugh.

ophelia_chong

Hey, I can see the light at the end of the latte. There is definitely a clearing ahead in your soy mocha light on the foam coffee stain.

danhhoang

I remember those AOL CDs... i used to toss them out as far as possible down at the landfill. I think there should be a sport on that.

ophelia_chong

I save them and shred them to replace the down in my ski jacket.

vokoban

I don't spill.....ever. Now what?

ophelia_chong

I read sippy cups too.

wilson

Yuck, I will probably vomit like a mad person, if I found I ate half of the spider into my stomach...lol

It's time to grab a brand new iPhone, since the price has dropped.

ophelia_chong

Shrimps are the spiders of the sea, only tastier.

And wait a month on the iPhone, Steve Jobs is not dead yet. Or at least according to Bloomberg news, he was dead for an hour and came back.

tom H

So true. Thank you for your insights!

Robbie

I especially love the eHarmony part! You're cracking me up. In Ireland, it was tea leaves all the way, but I love this. The spider sandwich reminded me of how I once bit into a dried fig to find I had eaten half a beatle.

ophelia_chong

I have probably eaten my share of dead bugs. But it's all protein, right? Here in the US of A, we read coffee stains. Manly coffee stains, the kind that can eat through wood and permanently stain your Brooks Brother's monogrammed shirt. Thanks for commenting Robbie.:O)

MaggyYoung

Hi Ophelia,
Seems like everyone's got diverted with coffee stains & spiders, when a classic piece was being asked not to fill out another quiz ever again. To quiz, add surveys & questionnaires especially the telephone ones. Question - has anyone ever got to the last page of Google search for kittens ? That's probably more of a challenge to read than all those stains & things - like getting to another universe - the last page of Google.

ophelia_chong

Not filling out a quiz for an online dating site would be interesting. Could we go by just an image and screen name?

Emily did get to the last page on the search for kitten images. She was determined to show me that she could and would send me the last image. And of course it was a pair of cute kittens.

The other universe is full of flying kittens, pop stars and kids falling off skateboards. I'm stayin on this side of the line. ;O)

iphone news

Your client just saw a flash site and asks how hard is it to make his site “move like that?”
hahaaha
i always get comments from my clients like that.
they don´t know what they want, they just know that their site can be improved, but they don´t have an idea of what are they talking.

ophelia_chong

I also like the one where they tell you that it will never get more complex than a home page and an About Us page. "HA!" i say and then I sit back and wait for the phone call.

RedHead Girl

The name of your blog scared me but I have had a blast reading it. Thank you for your humorous contributions!

ophelia_chong

Har. I can see where with the advent of all those forensic shows, you would expect to see a coffee stain cut apart on an examination table.

Thank you for taking the time to read and peruse HTSAA. :O)) ophelia

Monavie

Eww...Half eaten spider. And I though it was bad to find half of a mangled spider in my sock! I love the WoW one too. Man, that is exactly what my coffee stain would say. (If I played WoW anymore or even drank coffee that is). These were funny! Thanks!

ophelia_chong

Thank you! The spider story is true. And I even found a praying mantis once in my salad at a backyard BBQ. Not sure who was more shocked the bug or me. He made it safe back to his leafy home, covered in Ranch Dressing though. :O) Thanks for commenting!

psychic

I' m sure you are really good at this my dear friend.

This is an interesting that there are people out there who can use the art of reading coffee stains to make greats posts like these :P

Nice sketch.

ophelia_chong

Thank you. :O) In the last week there have been much spilled coffee and empty desks.

We need to see that in our future that there is Hope.

Thanks for commenting. ;O)

Fashion Shop

Reading your blog has been a pleasure for me. Being humorous in your writing has brought interesting points into the reading. Thanks.

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